Cutting

pain is too hard to carry. pain in your mind, destroying it. pain in your heart, hurting you. pain you can’t get rid of. pain that will keep piling on. pain holding onto you with claws. pain unwilling to let you go. pain keeping a too tight grip.

pushing the blade into fresh skin. pushing so much red rises up. pushing so much it starts tingling. pushing until the pain becomes numb. push down, cut deeply, move swiftly. pushing to numb everything deep inside. pushing until you’re unable to feel.

finally you’re able to breath again. finally everything becomes a little clearer. finally you have a clean mind. finally breathing isn’t a heavy chore. finally you can show a smile. finally you can be you again.

Scared Skin

I miss wearing tank tops while out in the sun. I miss wearing cute little sun dresses without having to worry. I miss wearing little shorts that go above my knees. I miss being able to wear whatever I wanted without feeling insecure about it. Without having to worry if people are looking at my arm or looking at my thigh. People are talking or whispering about my skin that isn’t smooth anymore.

Are they looking at me and giving me their pity? Are they thinking what could have happened to this poor girl for her to do that? I always wonder what people are thinking when I finally build up the courage of wearing a tank top at work when it’s +20 degrees inside the store. or when I wear a skirt that’s one inch too short.

I can tell by the looks on their faces that they can see them, they can see the deep set scars in my skin. They can see the pain I went through showing on my sleeve, the deep thoughts that was spilled out onto my thigh. The paint of pity is brushed across their face like heavy oil paint on a canvas. They try to give a reassuring smile but it’s not thick enough to ignore the sorrow in their eyes about me, they give a nod to say hello but I can see the shake of their head as they pass me.

When I don’t cover my arms or legs while I’m out in public I feel like I’m walking around naked. They can see my thoughts, read my mind like words on a piece of paper. They’re able to look into my past, see through my eyes in the present and know my future. I want to be able to be happy again and walk around like nothing is wrong with me anymore, I’m fixed, I’m all better. But everyone who looks at the lines on my skin know that I’m not fixed, and I’m not all better.

But now…

Hearing his voice use to give her a calming serenity, but now she can’t bare to hear his voice.

Looking at his face use to bring her joy, but now she doesn’t have the courage to look up.

Feeling his touch use to give her goosebumps, but now she pulls away from his grasp.

Kissing his lips use to give her butterflies in her stomach, but now she can’t help but to hurt deep down.

Holding him use to be the only thing she wanted, but now she can’t be anywhere near him.

Being close was the one thing she needed, but now she can’t be within 3 feet of him.

Loving him was easy, simple, and natural, but now loving him is painful, hard, and torturous.

Friday Night Cutting

She started cutting that Friday night.

She could have asked for help,

She was talking to someone on Facebook,

But she decided not to ask.

She told him she was tired,

She had an energy burning day.

She said goodnight, and signed off.

But she should have stayed online.

She went up to her bedroom.

She changed into her comfy clothes.

She climbed into bed, sat there.

But she wasn’t alone in bed.

She brought an old beautiful friend.

She laid it down on her.

She pushed it into her skin.

But with a singular quick movement,

She was bleeding again, something forgotten.

She hasn’t done this so long.

She wanted to desperately remember again.

But her skin didn’t want to.

She couldn’t stop the red tears.

She couldn’t stop the radiating warmth.

She couldn’t stop the red diamonds.

But it eventually stopped. For now.

She Feels

She feels disgusted when he looks

At her young women native body.

She feels his lurking brown eyes

Watching her every move, every breath.

 

She’d feel his gawking at her.

His stares make her feel uncomfortable

She feels tortured, trapped deep within.

He stands there in his silence.

 

She feels all of her imperfections

He is gleaming toward her flaws.

She feels her face turning red.

He is seeing every blemish.

 

She feels exposed, bare, and naked.

He can see her fat body.

She feels him judging her body.

He gazes at her constantly.

 

She feels ugly, gross, and revolting.

But he still won’t look away.

She feels hard-featured, appalling, and unsightly.

He keeps watching her every action.

 

She feels like she should leave

His stare is withholding her movements.

She feels bottled up and restricted.

His eyes, dark chocolate, brown eyes.

 

She feels the courage to look,

He looks deep into her eyes.

She feels hooks of his eyes.

He can see her million defects.

 

She feels his revolting facial features.

He can’t look at her anymore.

She feels relief when he forestall.

He can see who she is.

Battery Operated

Her self-esteem is now battery operated.

People liking her picture on Instagram.

People sharing her posts on Facebook.

People retweeting her tweets on Twitter.

People rebloging her posts on Tumblr.

 

Her beauty is measured by likes.

Her humor is measured by shares.

Her sensitivity is measured by comments.

 

If she doesn’t get enough likes,

Shares or comments her self-esteem drops.

Nobody likes her, nobody really cares.

 

Our lives are becoming battery operated.

Without batteries we’re nothing, we’re nobody.

Without likes, comments, shares, we’re worthless.

Our lives are measured by programming.

Writing Prompts;

  1. Battery operated
  2. Family
  3. Suicide
  4. Star
  5. The remote’s gone
  6. The mystery gift
  7. I hate Christmas
  8. Teams
  9. Next year…
  10. Sticky tape
  11. He didn’t come
  12. Socks
  13. Secrets
  14. Too much
  15. In the closet
  16. So hot
  17. She didn’t?
  18. Until midnight
  19. The tree
  20. He is sober
  21. Too many people
  22. Online
  23. You won’t believe it
  24. #lessonlearnt
  25. Bless you
  26. Naughty
  27. The day after
  28. Water
  29. Puzzle pieces
  30. Feint
  31. 3, 2, 1…
  32. Heartbeat
  33. Wind
  34. Clarity
  35. Tweeted
  36. Holy
  37. The carpet
  38. Sculpted
  39. Dot, dot, dot
  40. No, you don’t
  41. Used tea bags
  42. Walk the dog
  43. It evaded me
  44. Water flowed
  45. The test results
  46. Just walk away
  47. Just another day
  48. Grass cuttings
  49. Her husband
  50. Rules change
  51. Hello
  52. You, again
  53. Distorted sounds
  54. Whispers
  55. Something was off
  56. Smoke
  57. Liar
  58. I have plans
  59. I turn the page
  60. In the fridge
  61. Her couch
  62. Unopened
  63. CD
  64. All gone
  65. Food
  66. Eye contact
  67. Dream-catcher
  68. Addict
  69. Dread
  70. Fear
  71. Shadow
  72. Sounds
  73. The sound of silence
  74. Insult
  75. Mirror, mirror
  76. Just say no
  77. Dear Diary
  78. Darkness
  79. Handle with care
  80. Name
  81. Where that place used to be
  82. Missing you
  83. Whispers
  84. Fairy tales
  85. Smile
  86. The Ex
  87. Fireworks
  88. Frozen
  89. Alone
  90. The promise
  91. Failure
  92. Mind and body
  93. What time is it?
  94. Clishe
  95. Complain
  96. I am..
  97. Oh so lonely
  98. Alphabetical
  99. Lair, lair
  100. Should, would could