Category Archives: writing

#lessonlearnt2017

  • Not everyone is suppose to be in your life. some people are there to help you learn a lesson. but don’t worry, some people are suppose to be in your life and you’ll know who they are soon enough.
  • It’s okay not to be okay. it’s okay to cry, it’s okay to feel down. you don’t always have to be happy or have a smile on your face. you’re allowed to be not okay, it’s even healthy to be able to let your emotions out.
  • Other’s opinions aren’t always worth worrying about. people are allowed to have opinions but you don’t have to listen to them, you’re beautiful just the way you are. always remember that.
  • Never forget that other people have feelings. people matter and it doesn’t matter if you’re saying things to them to their face or over the computer, you’re words still hurt.
  • Be there for people, even if they weren’t there for you. I truly believe in karma, and if you’re nice to people you will get it returned to you in time. but if you are putting negativity out into the world you can’t be surprised to get negativity back.
  • Our world is slowly dyeing, and if you don’t do what you can you’re just helping her death move faster. compost, grow plants, don’t litter, car pool, buy and use reusable bags (for food and shopping), and there are so much more other things you can do to help our Earth.
  • No small deed will go unnoticed. remember someone is always watching even if you don’t think so or you can’t see them. something as small as buying someone a coffee, giving them bus fare, giving them a compliment, or even smiling at them.
  • If you feel strongly about something but it’s also something someone else doesn’t agree, don’t change your mind to please them or get along with them. you don’t always need someone else’s approval to think and believe in your own thoughts. you are a strong and¬†independent person don’t let someone else change your mind because of what they believe.
  • Be you, it doesn’t matter if people don’t like who you are. It only matters if you like yourself, you have to live with yourself, and you have to put up with you. if you stay who you truly are your fake friends will leave and soon your true friends will come forward.
  • And lastly, remember to love yourself. you are a beautiful person, you deserve the best, you deserve everything great in this shitty world. I know it’s a cliche but you only live once, so live your life, love yourself, and be yourself. You’re beautiful.

Confess..

  1. I cut myself to change my mental pain into physical pain so I can control it
  2. I love the rush of cutting and burning my skin, also the pain that lasts for over 2 weeks
  3. I’m not good at being alone, I find it very difficult to be by myself a lot
  4. I stay in abusive relationships because I don’t think I’m good enough for anyone and if I leave my current relationship nobody will want me
  5. I use to send nudes and sext because I knew it would keep them around
  6. I’m not good at asking for mental help
  7. I’m not good at asking for any help
  8. I’m always hurting, I’m just really good at hiding it
  9. I’m good at finding bed relationships with the wrong guy and throwing away a good relationship with the right guy
  10. I’m able to find beauty in almost anything, except within myself
  11. I listen to music so I don’t have to talk to people
  12. Sometimes I skip a meal so I can be skinny, but then I become hungry and I cave and eat again
  13. I get invited to go out with friends all the time, but then I come up with an excuse to not go
  14. I put everyone else’s happiness before I even think about my own
  15. I pretend to be happy for everyone around me, not for myself

Just remember..

  • You are beautiful with or without makeup
  • Keep smiling and keep your head up
  • Things will eventually pass in time, you just have to be patient
  • If you can, forgive and forget. If you can’t forget and forgive later
  • You are always loved
  • There is always someone to talk to, whether it’s someone you’ve known for years or someone you’ve just meet. It could even be someone you’ve never meet, there are 7.442 billion people in the world, someone will listen to you
  • Sharing is caring
  • Do what you want and what will make you happy, not what someone else wants and will make them happy. Your happiness matters too
  • You’re allowed to have a bad day
  • You don’t have to wear make up if you don’t want to. You can wear make up if you want to. either way, you’re beautiful
  • It’s never too late to go back to school or learn something new
  • It’s never too late to make something right again
  • Nothing is worth the cost of your happiness
  • It’s never too late to change yourself, but only do so for your health and happiness
  • No matter your size, race, height, age, or anything else, you’re still beautiful
  • There might be 7.442 billion people in the world, but you still matter
  • Don’t listen to people’s negative comments, in a few years you won’t even remember their last name
  • Words do hurt, but eventually they heal
  • People are always willing to help you, either people you know or someone on the street, somewhere out there someone does care about you
  • Nothing is ever so bad that you need to end your life, you have something and/or someone to live for even if you don’t know it yet or you can’t see it
  • People come and go, but the ones that stay are the ones you need to keep
  • If you need anyone to talk to I’m always here for you.

Questions for him

  • why did you do it? was it because I wasn’t your biological daughter? or
  • did you ever think how it would affect me?
  • did you think that I wouldn’t eventually tell someone?
  • what were your thoughts when you decided to come into my bedroom? did you even think about me and my feelings?
  • how is it that you only got 6 months? is that why you admitted to what you did? so that you would get off easier?¬† do you really think my childhood is only worth 6 months in jail?
  • what made you think it was “okay” to write me while you were in jail for what you did to me?
  • how could you do that to me, to a girl under your care?
  • I don’t understand how someone can do that to someone they say they “love”, please explain it to me.
  • what went through your mind while you were sneaking into my bedroom?
  • what made you start doing it? what has you so fucked up in the head that you could do that to a little girl who you were suppose to protect?
  • how could you put your hands on me? not just sexually, but also physically? how could you put your hand on my throat and lift me off the floor?

 

my life now, is a mess, every relationship I’ve been in has been wrecked by you and what you did to me. now I’m not comfortable with my body anymore or my sexual needs. it’s hard for me to be able to connect with someone on a intimate level. I can’t find anyone to talk to whom understands what I’ve been through and knows how to help me deal with the thoughts I’m always having daily.

I’m unable to feel confident with my body anymore. even after all these years you still have your tight grip around my throat. I have marks along my skin that have been put there by the dreams that you are in. when I’m finally able to get into a deep enough sleep that I can dream, there you always are waiting for me, to hurt me more then you could. it’s hard for me to actually wake up and escape your grasp.

the little girl I once was doesn’t exist, I don’t know who she is except for a little girl who needed her dad that was nowhere to be found. I was left with a monster to deal with everyday, I was actually afraid to go home after school because I knew that you would be there waiting for me. I don’t understand how you can do that to someone for so long, someone who you’re suppose to protect and take care of.

people always say “time heals all wounds” it’s been 7 years and I still don’t feel healed, yes I can talk about it to anyone, mainly because I’m used to it. I’m not ashamed this happened to me, I’m not embarrassed, I’m not shy about it; but I am angry, hurt, and upset. I’m really hoping one day I can forget.

One day, another day

one day he wants me, another day he wants me not.

one day he loves me, another day he loves me not.

one day he needs me, another day he needs me not.

 

one day I’m his everything, another day I’m his nothing.

one day I’m his love, another day I’m his hate.

one day I’m his forever, another day I’m his never.

 

one day he’s a sunny day, another day he’s a stormy night.

one day he’s a lovable man, another day he’s isolated.

one day he’s all mine, another day he’s hers.

 

one day I was warm, another day I was cold.

one day I was happy, another day I have him in my life.

one day I was in love, another day I have a broken heart.

Cutting

pain is too hard to carry. pain in your mind, destroying it. pain in your heart, hurting you. pain you can’t get rid of. pain that will keep piling on. pain holding onto you with claws. pain unwilling to let you go. pain keeping a too tight grip.

pushing the blade into fresh skin. pushing so much red rises up. pushing so much it starts tingling. pushing until the pain becomes numb. push down, cut deeply, move swiftly. pushing to numb everything deep inside. pushing until you’re unable to feel.

finally you’re able to breath again. finally everything becomes a little clearer. finally you have a clean mind. finally breathing isn’t a heavy chore. finally you can show a smile. finally you can be you again.

Scared Skin

I miss wearing tank tops while out in the sun. I miss wearing cute little sun dresses without having to worry. I miss wearing little shorts that go above my knees. I miss being able to wear whatever I wanted without feeling insecure about it. Without having to worry if people are looking at my arm or looking at my thigh. People are talking or whispering about my skin that isn’t smooth anymore.

Are they looking at me and giving me their pity? Are they thinking what could have happened to this poor girl for her to do that? I always wonder what people are thinking when I finally build up the courage of wearing a tank top at work when it’s +20 degrees inside the store. or when I wear a skirt that’s one inch too short.

I can tell by the looks on their faces that they can see them, they can see the deep set scars in my skin. They can see the pain I went through showing on my sleeve, the deep thoughts that was spilled out onto my thigh. The paint of pity is brushed across their face like heavy oil paint on a canvas. They try to give a reassuring smile but it’s not thick enough to ignore the sorrow in their eyes about me, they give a nod to say hello but I can see the shake of their head as they pass me.

When I don’t cover my arms or legs while I’m out in public I feel like I’m walking around naked. They can see my thoughts, read my mind like words on a piece of paper. They’re able to look into my past, see through my eyes in the present and know my future. I want to be able to be happy again and walk around like nothing is wrong with me anymore, I’m fixed, I’m all better. But everyone who looks at the lines on my skin know that I’m not fixed, and I’m not all better.